The Big Stuff

In the first two years of Karlie’s life, H has missed a little over 1 year.

This year, he missed:

• K’s first bday
• A’s 5th bday
• my 30th bday
• Halloween and trick or treating
• Valentines Day
• A’s first dance recital
• A’s Christmas pageant
• A’s first school dance (kinda silly but still)...
• teacher conferences, soccer games, gymnastics practices, etc.
• hundreds of little moments (first steps, first words, sweet smiles)

Stuff he will NEVER get back. And countless nights that I’ve cried myself to sleep, punched the wall in frustration (or been REALLY aggressive in kickboxing class), and consoled my baby girls as they cried for their daddy.

It’s been a hard year. Our marriage has suffered- a lot. I feel so resentful of him on some days (I know it’s not *his* fault, but it still sucks). It's hard to connect on the phone. It's hard to re-connect when he comes home for a short period (knowing he is leaving again). The girls cry every time. Amelia counts the days down until she can talk to him.. but then refuses to talk to him on the phone.

Other days, I feel like Super Woman*! I wake up, pack lunches, dress kids, drive to school, sometimes hit the gym for 45 minutes (otherwise I do it in the afternoon), drop Karlie off at her babysitter by 9, work for 5-6 hours, pick up Karlie to come home for lunch and naptime (when I complete my day of work), pick up Amelia from school, drive her to gymnastics/soccer/park etc, come home for homework, make dinner, do baths, and get ready for bedtime (2-3 days/week I have late afternoon photoshoots, the girls go to their sitter and the bedtime routine runs late). I put them to bed and finish grading any extra papers or assignments. Edit a few pictures and then my goal is to be in my PJs and on my couch by 9pm.

Then I just COLLAPSE. I have NO energy to give to anyone or anything else. I can barely even talk to H when he is able to use the phone... I just can’t. He does not understand that and usually gets so mad... but I just crave the peace and quiet all day long and look forward to my quiet evenings more than anything.

This is just no way to live. I can’t stand NOT knowing anything about our lives anymore. I can’t stand him being gone whenever he is told to leave, no matter what our plans are and what our family has going on. He can’t stand missing out on our lives and feeling guilty for being gone. He can’t stand working in the environment he works in and waiting for someone to tell him where he has to move his family next year.

For those reasons, among others, and after a lot of praying and debating and discussing, he has made the decision to end his time in the military.

As of next summer, he will be a free man. He has accepted a wonderful job in Tennessee... a job where he will be home EVERY SINGLE night. We are going to enjoy our last 6 months in Florida, then we will have some very sad goodbyes in front of us. However, I am glad we are moving so early in the girl's lives, instead of continual moves every 2-3 years for the next 10 years. I am excited to put down roots and stay in one area! It will be an adventure, for sure.

PS. Part of this decision has involved me starting my new full time job that includes benefits, as we will be losing those awesome military benefits... boohoo! But gaining a husband/father who is HOME with us!

*I enjoy my jobs... I love working and getting satisfaction out of my career! Just a side note to the inevitable comments suggesting that I should be a SAHM. Not for everyone... please remember that!